Social psychologists have shown that one of the most predictable drives people have is to build up their self esteem. We will bask in the reflected glory of so-called “winners,” cast off signs of reflected failure in those who we feel are low status by distancing ourselves from them, stage performances to show our talents in case someone misses these talents, use the trappings of competence (signs of our success like cell phones, pagers, high status clothes), conspicuously consume (to show we have enough abundance to waste) and self-promote (brag, point out our strengths while still projecting an image of modesty). Much of this very human behavior is to get others to like and respect us. What happens when you give people what they need?

We call it ingratiation if we compliment someone else, give them the idea that we agree with them, or mimic their behaviors (gestures, way of speaking, dress). But the truth is that ingratiation works! When we feel that we are being complimented and built up in a genuine way (it is specific, it is something that we believe to be true of ourselves), we tend to start liking the source of the compliment more. We then want to help them and do favors for them. A number of experiments show that we are more likely to be persuaded by salespeople who: remember and use our names, make eye contact, show that they are listening to us (riveted to our every word), agree with us, imitate our speech patterns and gestures, and compliment us. Basically we want to believe good things about ourselves. If we give people a positive label about themselves (you are so generous, you are so helpful, you give to others, you are a risk-taker, you are courageous and independent), the listener wants to act in a way that is consistent with that label. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.